Angelus De La Luna
by MelficeCyrum
Summary: Emily Shepard, still reeling from the loss of her beloved, Kaidan Alenko, deals with her personal demons with the help of her best friend and most trusted companion, Garrus "Archangel" Vakarian. Note: Rating subject to change as chapters are added.
1. Chapter 1

Angelus De La Luna

Consciousness came back to Emily reluctantly, as though it was unsure whether she wanted it or not. Sleep was always something she considered a luxury item these days. These past few years sleep was always something that stopped coming naturally to her. She was only lucky she didn't require drugs to sleep…most of the time. It was bad enough to be plagued by memories of her lost family, killed by the slavers, the faces of the people she could not protect, but then there were always other nights where she dreamed of other things, the Prothean vision, Skyllian Blitz and the horrors of the Batarians, or more recently, the Collectors.

Indeed, sleep was a luxury that was quickly becoming expensive to afford. Her quarters were still dark as she slowly sat up in bed, the white linen sheet draped across her half-clothed form. Her red bangs hung over her face a touch as she sat in the darkness, the quiet hum of the ship the only sound besides her breathing. She sat in the dark for a while. The lights on the aquarium were dim, but she knew even the fish were sleeping. She slowly pulled herself up from the soft, white sheets, to a mostly upright position, her back pressed to the pillows. There was a touch of chill in her room. She liked it that way, the cold made it easier to sleep…when she could sleep. Whenever she had someone come up to her quarters, they'd often remark about how cold her quarters were compared to the rest of the ship. Of course, most of the crew wore the short-sleeved Cerberus uniform.

It hadn't started out bad for her. Memories of Mindoir and the Blitz were rather low on the nightmare priority list for her. Mostly she dreamed of more recent events. Well, "recent" was relative for her. She had spent two years in a state of unconsciousness; mostly dead. For her though, those two years passed in a flash. Memories that should've started to decay were still fresh in her mind. X57, Virmire, the Citadel, it all felt so new to her, as though she'd just woken up from a nap. However, the rest of the galaxy had simply marched on without her. She remembered the story of Rip Van Winkle, and figured that she had a good idea how he felt right about now. Still, she needed sleep. Not that she particularly wanted it. She was as fickle to accept it, as it was coming to her. Sleeping meant dreaming, and dreaming meant waking up from those dreams, often in cold sweats or tears. But without it, she'd never be able to keep working, keep fighting.

She looked over at her holo-clock on the small nightstand next to her bed. 0310 hours. 3:10 in the morning. "Damn it." She cursed, barely a whisper. Always the wee hours of the morning for her. It seemed her dreams conspired to ruin her schedule too. Not that it mattered. No one questioned her sleeping habits. She tugged the sheets around her a bit tighter. One dream stacked atop another. She slowly sank back down onto the mattress, tightening her hands other the sheets. At least her bed was pleasantly warm…if a bit empty.

***

_"Hey mom?"_

_ "Yes Emily?"_

_ "Is it alright if I go out for a bit?"_

_ "Where are you going?"_

_ "Just out."_

_ "Emily…"_

_ "What?!"_

_ "…Alright, just be back before dinner, alright? You're not getting out of cooking duty this time, you hear!"_

_ "Yes mom!" She was out the door before she could hear her mother sigh and shake her head, turning to her husband._

_ "What am I going to do with her, Alex? She's always so out of control."_

_ Her father merely shrugged her shoulders. "She takes after her mother, Hannah. Remember when we first met?" She hadn't heard them say that, but she knew they spoke of such things before, so she imagined it was what they said. It was also the last thing she ever heard her mother say. She wanted to think her mother and her father's last words were pleasant ones. Because she could not comprehend their last moments occurring any other way._

_ Mindoir was a pleasant place to live, if one enjoyed peace and solitude. A small farming colony out on the Attican Traverse. Not quite as lovely or as pleasant as Eden Prime, but for Emily, it was home. Or rather, it was. Past tense. When she had remembered it, Mindoir no longer existed. Or rather, her memory of its old glory no longer existed for her. It was empty and gone. She hadn't intended to disobey her mother when she had gone out. She was, in fact, heading down to the river in order to get some local flowers. Her mother's birthday was coming up soon._

_At times, she wondered if leaving had been the right thing to do. Could she have done something for her parents, if she'd been there? Regardless, she watched herself, humming a tune as she walked over a hill and downward towards the rushing water. She was so pretty back then…before the raid…before the Blitz. If she'd known how many levels of hell she would have to endure, would she have tried to stop herself? Maybe, it was impossible to tell anymore. She watched herself bending down, squatting down to pick the flowers. She knew what was coming._

_Even as she watched, she heard the subtle thud. At the time, she'd not recognized the sound, but the observer Emily knew the sound. Explosives. Young Emily looked up wondered why there was smoke in the sky. Fire? Did something malfunction? Jason was always screwing with the machinery. Only this time, the thud sound came again, only louder, like a pulse. She stood up, turning to look over her shoulder. That wasn't machinery smoke, it was too thick, and the smell was too pungent. She watched herself drop the flowers, and start running up the hill. But she knew what she would find. She watched herself slowly come over the hill, struggling to mount the crest, only to find that-_

***

Breakfast was taken in the mess for once. It was a rare thing for her to do. Most of the time she was so busy up in her quarters, or just waking up too late, that she had her meals delivered to her quarters. It was rarer still that she was up so early as well. 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep was like a boon to her. Of course, any of the crew would've been happy to be the errand boy…or girl. After all, she was Commander Shepard, Hero of the Blitz, and Savior of the Citadel. She stood up for what was right and just in the galaxy, she kept an open-door policy with the crew, and made it clear that she accepted, even wanted, people to come forward to her if there were issues. She was the kind of leader a lot of soldiers probably wished they could've had.

Still, it was with a sullen expression that she sipped her coffee that morning. The mess was quiet, since she was up long before the others were. As Chef Gardner wasn't quite up yet, she made herself some coffee, and sat down at the table. It was quiet, and the ship was empty. Emily absently recalled once, on the old Normandy, that Tali had told her once about how the ship felt "half-empty." Emily began to believe she understood what her Quarian friend meant. It did feel as though half the crew was missing. But the silence was also pleasant for her, in a way. She could almost hear herself think. Her coffee was blacker than usual, but she needed the bitterness to keep her awake. After all, she needed to be at full attention when the time came for her to get back the duty of saving the galaxy.

Such a thankless job that was. Were it not for her upbringing, she would've spat in the Council's face. Their thinly-veiled offer of Spectre status didn't do much to help her mood. Amazing that, as soon as she was dead, they were quick to shut down her outspoken warnings about the Reapers, and the call-to-arms. Even the Alliance was quick to brush her off, if the hearsay of her engineers was any indication. Still, she wasn't going to quit, no matter how distasteful it felt to her. After all, her parents had raised her to be respectful to all people, and the Alliance had taught her that the galaxy was a lot bigger than the night sky in her own backyard.

It was horribly tempting though. To falter, to stray, to deviate from her morals, to let herself take the short, quick, and easy route. She'd done that a few times, since her reconstruction. Killing the engineer working on the gunship during the Archangel recruitment mission. She remembered how _easy_ it had been to kill him. She'd rationalized it as "a necessary action to ensure mission success" in her report, but all the same, killing him in cold blood like that left a bad taste in her mouth. She had convinced herself that, here in the Terminus Systems, she'd have to be willing to wobble from the straight and narrow every once in a while. She had just hoped it wouldn't feel so…casual. But then again, she was working with Cerberus, so she was already wobbling by quite a fair margin.

Her coffee was gone now, and she only noticed when she raised the cup to her lips, and found nothing to swallow. She frowned. Strange, had she been sipping it this whole time that she'd been contemplating her own morality? She sighed and looked over at the pot sitting on the counter. It would take a great deal of effort to go over there and pour a new cup. More effort than she felt like expending at the moment.

"Commander? Commander, are you alright?" Came a voice, and she started, almost dropping the empty mug. It was one of the crew. The name wasn't familiar, but the voice was. He often spent time in the Crew Quarters, talking about the family he had on New Canton. "Are you alright Commander Shepard?" He asked again, a hand resting on her shoulder. "You look like shit.

"I…uhh…" She stopped for a moment. "I'm alr-" She cut herself off suddenly, and shook her head. "Not really, but don't worry, just not one those days for me."

"…Are you sure, Commander?"

"Hm? Yes. I think I'll get better as I wake up more. Don't worry about me crewman. You have your family to worry about. Don't want to add to your burden by adding my well-being in there." She said, smiling.

"Commander, we're all worried about you. We know this isn't an easy mission for you, and that there's a lot riding on you. We just want you to know that we appreciate the effort you're putting in for us." He said, and she felt her cheeks heat up a bit. She remembered hearing this on the old Normandy too. Everyone was always telling her how they enjoyed working under her. Even before she was assigned to the Normandy, her old units said the same thing. She never considered herself a particularly effective leader, but she was popular.

"Thank you crewman, that means a lot. I just think I need to try to get more sleep though."

"Oh. You should see the doctor if you're having a problem sleeping Commander. You need all your strength for the mission, you know."

"Yeah…I know. Don't worry yourself about me, crewman. I think I'm going to be okay." She saw him smile, watched him start moving away. "I think so anyway." She murmured once he was away from her. She didn't want him to hear her own doubts in her mind. She looked down at her empty cup. She didn't have the time for another cup. But then…a thought occurred to her. She slowly got up from the table. A break from the action. She didn't feel as though she had the energy to work non-stop, and if she didn't take a breather, she'd wind up a sad, broken wreck. She set her mug on the counter and made her way back to the elevator. She pressed the button that would take her back up to her quarters. She'd call Miranda when she got there. She didn't feel up to _anything_ today. 3 hours was simply not enough for her. She was through her door and flopped herself down at her desk with a loud sigh. She reached over slowly, and pressed a button on the comm. "Miranda?"

"Yes Commander?"

"…Don't worry about any operational reports for today; we're not doing any missions for the time being."

"Commander, it's not usually my place to question your orders but-"

"Then don't, Miranda. We've been working non-stop for past several days. The crew needs some kind of break. If all we do is grind ourselves down each day without any kind of reprieve, then we will _all_ crack."

"…If you're sure Commander."

"Yes, I am sure Miranda. Also, I'm going to be indisposed for the next several hours. So please inform the rest of the crew that I can't be bothered. Alright?"

"Yes, of course Commander." The comm went dead, and Emily slouched back in her chair, letting out a long breath. Well, that was easier than she thought. She half-expected Miranda to put up a bit more of a fight to the idea of taking a day off. Of course, the Illusive Man would likely not be too pleased. But then it was her ship, and her crew. Slowly, she pushed herself up from her chair and slowly dragged herself over to her bed, and let herself just fall against it, landing with a flop. No sooner than her head hit the pillow, then as lassitude set in, and her eyes slid closed.

***

_When she clutched the sniper rifle close to her chest, it made her feel safer, even a little. The whole defense was a mess. The batarians and the pirates were overrunning most, if not all their positions. Most of Elysium was in flames, or at least, the parts she had seen. At this rate…the survivors would not be able to hold out. She and her small squad were working to reinforce the bunker where a good chunk of the colonists had taken shelter. Emily had no idea where the other pockets of survivors were, or even if there were any others. They didn't have the time to try and find out. She instinctively hefted her rifle, checking. Training as an infiltrator had paid off, with her squad watching her back; they had speared a way through enemy lines. But now…_

_ "Alright, huddle!" She yelled, and the 6 or so men she had with her came around her. "We've got at least another 3 or 4 hours before reinforcements arrive. If we just try to hold this position, they're overrun us or wear us down and slaughter us!"_

_ "What're your suggestions, Commander?" Ridley asked her. He was an Engineer, of the best with tech she'd worked with in a long time. He couldn't be much older than his 20s as well._

_ "…We can't afford to divert too much of our attention away from the enemy, so we need a few people to go out and divert their attention for us-"_

_ "Alright! Scott, Barb, you guys and me, we'll draw them away while-"_

_ "No." That caused every head to turn towards her. "We can't afford to split up. If we spread ourselves too thin, they'll just smash right through us."_

_ "But then how are we going to-?!"_

_ "I'm going."_

_ "…Wait, what you- Commander, are no!" It became quite clear what she was planning, as she started to stand, checking her firing action. "You can't hold them back all by yourself! You'll get yourself killed!"_

_ "I don't have a choice Ridley. This bunker needs all the defense it can get. You have to keep the turrets in working order, and you'll need the others to watch your back. Besides, you know as well as I do that I'm good at this sort of thing. It's why I'm an infiltrator. And a damn good one too."_

_ "Commander, those were only in a few training exercises and against small squads! We're talking about entire enemy platoons here! They will kill you! Not to mention this goes completely against protocol!"_

_ "I know, and I'm normally all for it. But the slavers and pirates don't care about protocol or regulations. Besides, I'm very good when it comes to urban warfare. They won't see me coming." She cocked the gun, even as she adjusted her helmet._

_ "Commander, don't do this! Aki, you go with the Commander-"_

_ She didn't have time for this; she grabbed him by the collar and yanked him roughly towards her. "I'm giving you all a direct order! You're all going to bunker here, and hold this position. No matter what happens! You don't move from this spot!"_

_ "Forgive me ma'am, but to hell with your orders! We're not going to sit here and watch you commit suicide!"_

_ She checked her helmet, doing everything she could to keep a straight face. She would not show any sign that she was hesitating. "Ridley…if not a direct order…" She took a deep breath. "Then please, let me do this."_

_ "But…but why?!"_

_ "Because I need to. And besides, you guys are still young, you still have all your careers ahead of you. You're not throwing your lives away over these pirates."_

_ "What about you though?!"_

_ "Me? This, Ridley. This is personal. They took my parents, my home, everything I had away from me. So, at least today, I'm going to take something away from them. Their lives." She cocked the shotgun. A pointless gesture, but the effect was all she was going for. "So please, let me do this." She said, staring at them. "If I can hold them off for even an hour, that gives you time to fortify this position, and enough time to hold them until reinforcements arrive. I'm not going to let more people die. They took my family, my friends, and my home from me. Well, they don't get to take anything anymore. This ends now." She said, and coming up, she vaulted over her cover. "This never gets to happen ever again!"_

***

Her eyes came open. She was laying on her stomach, her cheek pressed against the pillow. Her fingers were clenching the sheets. Her entire being was tense, as though she were preparing for an attack. Her breath was coming a bit faster and shorter. There was this feeling of tension, as though she was there, the sound of gunfire and screams, the smell of smoke and ashes and burning flesh, her blood pounding in her ears like the beat of some damnable drum. She was short of breath, she couldn't concentrate, her fingers dragging over the sheets to clench into fists, she was-

"Commander?" Came a familiar, masculine voice, the flanging effect a dead giveaway as to the owner. Unfortunately, his voice shattering the silence made her entire body flinch, almost to the point of a spasm. To her relief, Garrus didn't comment or say anything to her when she did that, even as she bit back a scream. She didn't look at him though, she just laid there, even as the muscles in her shoulders twitched, trying to force herself to relax.

"Yes Garrus?" She mumbled, not moving from where she lay. "I thought I gave Miranda explicit orders that I wasn't-"

"She did. I'm disobeying her orders."

"…I hope you have a _damn_ good reason for it, Garrus. Because right now I'm not in the best mood." She mumbled, not bothering to move.

"Well, for one thing Commander, I personally don't listen to Operative Lawson half the time she talks. She's not exactly good at giving rousing speeches or orders." That made Emily smile a bit. "Also, I was worried about you. You're constantly checking up on me, I figured I should return the favor. Besides, you didn't bother to lock the door."

"Should I do that the next time?"

"Depends. Would give me a chance to see if my decryption skills are still sharp. Or I might just Overload the door if you'd like it done quick and dirty…wait." He said, pausing halfway through his sentence. "Never mind, that didn't come out right."

Emily slowly rolled herself over onto her back, staring up and across the room. Garrus stood at the head of the stairs, in his civvies. The outfit looked so odd on him. In his armor, he appeared much taller and larger, almost as imposing as Grunt at times. Without it, he was…no, diminished was not the right word for it. He wasn't quite as intimidating or as…imposing? Not that she minded it much; the scared and wrecked armor gave him the look of a survivor. He'd insisted on keeping the scars, though. Made him look more rugged. "Well…now that you're here, now what?" She asked with a smile. "I don't usually entertain guests up here."

"Well, for one thing, you could turn up the temperature in here. Unless you're trying to emulate Lawson's ice-queen status, I don't think you want to freeze, do you?"

She couldn't help it as her lips came up in a smirk. "What can I say, I like it cold. Helps me sleep…" She said with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Really? From the way you were twitching in your sleep, it didn't look much like sleep to me, Commander."

Unfortunately, that particular choice of words made her freeze up. "How long have you been watching me?"

"Long enough to know that you're up roaming the ship during the graveyard hours."

"You're a light sleeper, aren't you?"

"Sort of. Military life and long C-Sec shifts means I'm use to sleeping for just a few hours…but not like what you've been doing the past few nights, Commander."

She shifted her gaze to the ceiling overhead, that way she didn't have to look straight at him anymore. "Am I that obvious?"

"You did the same thing back on the old Normandy."

She couldn't help but laugh at that. "Ouch, wow. _That_ obvious, huh?"

"That obvious, Commander."

"Well shit." She said, though the expletive didn't carry much weight. She slowly relaxed herself, almost forcibly. "I guess if it's that obvious, it must be a problem." Garrus stepped lightly down the stairs, sitting himself on the couch.

"Is it the Prothean vision again?"

"Mindoir and the Blitz this time. First time in…well, forever since I had those dreams." She slowly brushed her fingers through her auburn hair, brushing it back over her ears. "Although the last time I had a dreamless sleep was not in forever either." She let herself trail off. He was still sitting there. "You know Garrus, if it's too cold or something; you don't have to stick around. You're not obligated to sit here and listen to me ramble or sit here in awkward silence." She said.

"It's not a problem, Commander. I'm just concerned about you."

She chuckled, closing her eyes and shaking her head. "I wasn't aware I had a guardian angel now." She looked up at him, corner of her lip curled upward.

She didn't know turians could roll their eyes, but Garrus proved the gesture wasn't limited to merely humans. "You're never going to let that whole 'Archangel' nickname drop are you?"

"No, probably not." She said, laughing again. She ended her laughter with a relieved sigh. "But really Garrus, thank you. For disobeying my orders. It's nice to know that you're concerned."

"It's nothing Commander, you and I have worked together a long time. Besides, ever since Alenko…" Garrus stopped himself from continuing, trailing off. Suddenly the tension in the air became palpable. Emily found herself looking to the side, at the aquarium. She'd need to feed the fish soon. "I'm sorry Commander." He said his voice much softer and apologetic. "I didn't mean to-"

"Don't apologize Garrus…it's been two years for you and everyone else. I…I can't expect that everyone thinks about that all the time anymore. Even if it still feels like just a few weeks ago." She said, also quietly. "Did you hear though? They started a scholarship fund in his name for biotic kids to get into the Ascension Project. So they don't have to do through the training from hell that he got."

"I heard. I think he would've been happy to hear about that." The silence was incredibly awkward right now. "Anyway, you seem to be doing okay, so I should get back to calibrating the new gun. If I don't, the engineers are going to screw up the feed again."

_You don't have to_. She thought to herself, absently. "Alright. Could you tell Gardner that I'd like my meal delivered up to my room, if it's not too much trouble?" She said with a weak smile. _If you'd bring it, I'd like that._ Was the unspoken portion of that request.

"Sure thing Commander." He said as he stood up, dusting himself off a bit. She watched him as he turned and left through the door, as the mechanism closed with a hiss. Garrus was her friend, one of her closest friends. He had been there for quite a bit of her battles. She closed her eyes once again, and recalled the one that stood out most vividly in her mind…


	2. Chapter 2

Angelus De La Luna: Chapter 2

The Praetorian shrieked one last time before disintegrating, falling apart into blue motes that faded into the air. Emily Shepard heaved a sigh of relief as she leaned back against the truck she'd been using for cover. That…_thing_ had been horribly resilient, moreso than any Husk-related creature she'd encountered. And today seemed to be the day when _all_ the horrific Husk-hybrids came out of the woodwork. First the Scions, which were horrible enough on their own without the Alliance database telling her what _else_ made up those things, but that…flying bug had simply been one step too far.

She was exhausted. Horizon was something out of her nightmares. She could only imagine what the poor, frozen colonists had borne witness too. And those that had been taken away? She watched with a shudder as the Collector cruiser slowly pulled away, lifting into the air, taking off. She could only bite her lip to hold back the strong of expletives she wanted to let out. So close…"Shit." She let out, barely a whisper.

"No, don't let 'em get away!" Delan the mechanic, from the earlier garage, came running up from behind her. Seemed he'd had a change of heart about following her, not that it did Emily any good at this point.

"There's nothing we can do, Delan. They're gone." She said, raising a hand up to try and calm him down.

"Half the colony is in there! They took Egin and Sam and…and Lilith! Do something!" She knew what was wrong with him, not that she could do much to help him. She'd experience that feeling before, one of utter helplessness.

"We did the best we could, Delan. I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end this way." She said her voice bitter. Indeed, though she had saved half the colony, her hollow victory left a bitter taste in her mouth and on her tongue.

"More than most, Shepard." Garrus commented from behind her.

"Wait, Shepard. I know that name." Delan slowly turned himself around to face her. "Yeah, I remember you; you're some type of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Spectre. Savior of the Council." The voice which uttered those words made Emily's spirits rise. It was Ashley Williams coming around the bend, from around one large pile of tires. It was all Emily could do not to let out a shout and try to hug the woman she'd know as "Gunnery Chief" for almost a year. But, there was something off about the way Ash was speaking. Not to mention to look in her eyes. "You're in the presence of a god, Delan. Back from the dead."

The mechanic did not look especially pleased to see her. "All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." He waved a hand dismissively, walking off.

Emily wasn't paying attention to the mechanic anymore however. Her focus was on Ashley. She was alright. She'd at least saved the one person she'd been hoping to see since she arrived. It would've destroyed her if Ashley had been taken. Walking over, Ashley stopped a few feet in front of her, and then slowly extended her hand. "I thought you were dead, Commander. We all did." She said, and again, there was this barely contained anger. Emily swallowed her smile. She had to find something to say that wouldn't be too damning.

"It's been too long Ash, how have you been?" Those were the wrong words. As soon as she said them, she knew that was the wrong thing to say. Ashley's face screwed up into something between anguish and anger.

"That's it? You show up after two years and act like nothing's happened?!" She said raising her hands up, clenching them into fists. "I would've followed you anywhere, Commander! I thought you were gone…I…you were more than our Commander. Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?!"

Emily felt her throat begin to ache. She wanted to do anything she could to reassure Ashley. Fine, if she wanted to know the truth…then she would tell her. Besides, if anyone deserved the truth more, it was her. "Not my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me. I was _dead_, Williams. Dead as a doornail." She felt her own hands clenching into fists as she spoke.

Ashley slowly stepped back. "You're with Cerberus now…? Garrus too?" She heard the turian behind her scoff at that, but kept his mouth shut bless his soul. "I can't believe the reports were right."

"Reports? Wait, you already knew?" Garrus asked, echoing what Emily was about to say herself. How…how was that possible?

"Alliance intel said Cerberus could be behind our missing colonists. We got a tip that this one would be the next one to get hit. I went to Anderson, but he wouldn't talk. But…there were rumors that you weren't dead. Worse; that you were working for the enemy."

"No. Cerberus and I want the same thing – to save our colonies. That does _not_ mean that I answer to them or work for them."

"Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?" Ashley stepped closer, and Emily had to do everything she could not to step backwards. Ashley's anger was virtually tangible in the air. "I wanted to believe you were alive. I just…I never expected anything like this. You've turned your back on everything we stood for!"

"_What_?! Ash, you know me, you know I wouldn't do something like this without a _damn_ good reason!" She couldn't help herself from raising her voice. "You saw it yourself! The Collectors are targeting _human_ colonies. And they're working for the Reapers!"

"I'd like to believe you Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. And it worries me that you do. What did they do to you? What if _they're_ the ones behind it? What if _they're_ the ones working with the Collectors?"

"Damn it Williams!" Once again it was as though Garrus had read her mind. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat here!"

"Ashley, you're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts! I mean seriously, are you even _listening _to yourself?!" She said, stepping up into Ashley's face.

"Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe it's you. Doesn't matter. I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, it's in my blood." She turned, and started to walk away. "I'm reporting back to the Citadel. I'll let them decide if they believe your story." Before Ashley could walk away, Emily decided that she wouldn't stand for this. She reached out and grabbed Ashley by the wrist.

"Ash, what the hell is the matter with you?!" She was angry, upset. Ashley was supposed to be her friend, her comrade. She had stood by her throughout the entire mission against Saren, and _now_ of all times she was turning her back on her. "You've never been like this before! Did the time we spent together mean nothing to you?! I supported you and saved your life! Does all that suddenly not mean _anything_ to you now?!"

Ashley turned and yanked her wrist away from Emily's grip. "You don't get it do you?! You're _working with Cerberus_. I can't make this any more clearer to you, can I? I refuse to work for them!" Emily could not believe what she was hearing.

"For the love of…Ashley, did you not hear a single _word_ that I said?!" She was yelling now, she couldn't help. "I'm. Not. Working. For. Cerberus! Do I have to spell it out for you any clearer?! They're not telling me what to do! Yes, they are funding it, and they did give me a ship, but I'm not following their orders or being their intergalactic lapdog! For god's sakes, I was _dead_. A corpse! What did you expect me to do, take their stuff and flee?!"

"That'd be a nice start!" Ashley wasn't above raising her own voice too, it seemed. "At least you wouldn't be waiting on them hand and foot you know!" She raised a hand, pointing a finger accusingly. "You know if the LT were here he'd-"

Ashley never got a chance to finish her sentence. Emily would not allow it.

_**SMACK!**_

The sound of Emily's hand cracking across Ashley's cheek was as loud and as punctuated as a shot from her pistol. She didn't see Garrus wince or Zaeed's eyes look in some other direction. She didn't care right now. Ashley Williams had done the one thing she would _not _stand for. "How _dare _you!" She spat, her words dripping with venom. "Don't you ever, _ever_ talk about him like that! Don't bring him into this as though you have some right!" She was practically screaming now. "You don't get to drag Kaidan into this! Not after the hell I went through! Or did you forget that I had to leave him to die to save you?!" She was doing everything she could not to cry. "Did you also forget who had to go to his parents and explain that their son wasn't going to be home for his birthday this year?!"

"I didn't forget Commander." Ashley was surprisingly subdued, simply raising a hand to her reddened cheek, tenderly tracing the mark left by Emily's hand.

"Then don't you ever bring him up like that. _Ever!_ I won't have you sully his name by pulling him into this. If you don't want to help, that's fine! But don't try to use Kaidan to justify it! Do you understand, Ashley Williams?!"

"Yes Commander." She said, turning to leave. She stopped, looking over her shoulder. "Good luck."

"Joker." Emily raised her hand to her ear. "Send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony." She barely had enough composure left to make sure her voice didn't break.

***

"Garrus."

"Hm? Oh, Operative Lawson, didn't expect to see you here."

"I need to ask you something, about the Commander."

"Why can't you ask her yourself?"

"Because right now she's currently holed up in her quarters with explicit orders that no one bother her, again."

"I can see where that would be a problem."

"Look Vakarian, don't get flippant with me, I'm the second-in-command here, and-"

"And I follow Shepard's orders, not yours, Lawson. So what do you want to know. And make it quick, I was in the middle of calibrations."

"What happened down on Horizon? Shepard's report said she met up with Ashley Williams, but there's nothing else beyond that. And she came back looking as though someone had died."

"How much do you know about Virmire, Lawson?"

"I know what I've read in the reports. Is there something else I should know about?"

"I'm only telling you this because the Commander seems to trust you. If what I'm about to tell you finds its way anywhere else on this ship-"

"Are you threatening _me_?"

"Yes, I am. Because it's that important."

"Fine, it stays between you and me."

"Lieutenant Alenko and the Commander were very good friends, probably better friends than she and I were. However, there was more to it than just that."

"Wait, you mean…"

"Yes. Alenko and Shepard were in love. If what I observed was any indication. And on Virmire, she had to choose between her emotions, and the mission. I don't think I have to tell you how hard that was on her. She's been dealing with it ever since."

"All this time?"

"Yes."

"I see…well, you're right, I'll keep this to myself then. Besides, the Illusive Man doesn't need to know about Shepard's personal life anyway. My reports are strictly concerning the operational status and success of our missions."

***

Emily was pissed. Beyond pissed. She'd kept her composure long enough to get back on the shuttle, and long enough to tell Miranda she wasn't to be bothered again, and long enough for the elevator to get up to her quarters. She was furious. How dare Ashley do that to her! How dare that whiney little bitch call her out like that, in front of her squad! The first thing she did was pound her fist against the panel to get the door to open. Unnecessary, as the glowing panel was mostly a hologram. But she was angry. She didn't need to be rational when she was angry.

She stomped into her quarters. She wanted to hurt someone, to break something. She had the barest, briefest moment of contemplation when she realized this must be how Jack felt a lot of a time. Angry and hateful and malicious. She spied the wall of model ships. No, she wasn't going to bother trying to break those. They were too tough. There was the hamster, but the poor thing was cowering in its box. The aquarium provided an object, which wouldn't readily break under pressure. So she punched it. Hard.

Luckily, it didn't give, and the hot spikes of pain lancing through her fist and arm shocked her out of her rage, if only long enough for her to realize she'd need to see the doctor. "Dammnit, damn it all!" She yelled out, words which didn't echo in her room. Then she spied something on her desk, and immediately wished she hadn't. There was a picture in a small frame. It was a picture of herself and Kaidan in Flux, back on the Citadel. She'd just won a sizeable amount of credits playing Quasar, and Ashley had said a picture would be good to remember.

She didn't even think about it, didn't even pause to consider whether this was even a good idea. She lunged, grabbing the frame from the desk and with as much might as her undamaged hand could muster she hurled the picture across the room, shattering the glass. It was at this moment, that Garrus Vakarian chose to enter, holding a tray in his hands. "Commander, I brought you your-" His sentence was interrupted by the fragile glass of the frame meeting the cold steel of the opposite wall with a crash. She didn't even register him standing there, staring. She had her back to him anyway, and her blood was pounding in her ears. "-your lunch." He finished.

"I thought I made it clear that I didn't want _anyone_ bothering me! Didn't I?!" She shouted, not even turning to face him.

"You did, Shepard." He was using her last name now.

"I gave explicit orders to Miranda, who was to tell the rest of crew. I assume she did her job, right?!"

"That she did."

"Then what the _hell_ are you doing here?!"

"I brought you your lunch. Since you didn't seem to want to come down on your own-"

"Then leave it on my desk and get out!"

"With all due respect, Commander? No."

She stopped. That last word of his hung heavily in the air, and the only sound in the room was her heavy breathing. "What did you say?"

"I believe I said 'No', Commander."

"Officer Vakarian, do _not_ make me order you out!" She jabbed her hand at the door. He stood there, looking totally nonplussed by her anger. "Are you listening to me?!"

"I am."

"Then leave it on my desk and get OUT!" She practically shrieked the last word, the last syllable.

"I usually don't repeat myself, but my answer still stands. No." Now she turned to face him. He was remaining quite stoic. His facial expression wasn't as readable as Jacob or any of the other humans, but she got the distinct feeling he didn't enjoy being in this situation. As she faced him, he turned and set the tray down on her desk, and went back to staring at her. "I'm not going anywhere."

They stared at each other. "Garrus." She said, taking a step closer. "I'm not asking you to leave. This isn't a request, or a question. I'm giving you an _order_. And when I give orders I expect to be obeyed!" She was in a haze right now. Anger, rage, disbelief that he was defying her like this and a small, small part of herself that desperately… "Do you want me to call security and have you thrown out?!"

"You can try."

"Dammnit Garrus!" She screamed, and threw a fist at him. She didn't mean to try to hit him. If she'd been asked 20 minutes later whether she wanted to hurt him or not, she'd have said no. But at that moment, she didn't care. Luckily, he was quicker, and stronger, than she was. His three-fingered hand grabbed her by the wrist, cutting off her force, almost causing her to stumble at how sudden the stop was. "H-Hey!" she cried out. "Let me go! Just leave me alone!" She tried to hit him with her free hand, and found that his reach and reflexes were as good with his left hand as with his right. Before she could protest or scream, or do anything else forceful, she suddenly found herself yanked forward, and she crashed into him bodily. She was so shocked that she barely registered when he leaned forward to speak.

"I'm sorry, Emily. But I can't do that."

That was really all she needed. She let out a pitiful wail, and he released her hands. She wasn't going to hit him. Her arms wrapped around his middle tightly, and she couldn't stop herself as began to cry, her face pressed into his chest, her entire body shaking with heavy sobs as his arms settled around her shoulders, just holding her steady. She couldn't stop herself, hot, heavy tears pouring down her cheeks as she let out almost 2 years worth of grief. To Garrus's credit, he didn't say a word, or even speak, while she cried. She kept herself from collapsing to the floor by leaning herself against him. "Why?!" She wailed. "Why did I kill him?! What did I do wrong?!"

"There wasn't anything you could've done."

"But I killed him! I left him there on Virmire to die! I could've, I could've done something-"

"There was nothing you could've done that would've let you save both of them. I was there, remember?" His voice was low, almost a murmur, and the flanging effect did wonders for her mood and nerves. "You asked me and Wrex too. You made the choice you thought was best."

"He still died! How was that best?! I…I loved him! I could've saved him instead of Ashley! I could've…I…" her sobs kept her from finishing that sentence. "Is Ashley right? Am I really a traitor? Would Kaidan really-?"

He cut her off before she could finish asking that inevitable question. "Don't. Don't ask it." He said, shaking his head a bit. "If you do, you'll only start to second-guess everything you've been doing. And then you'll be paralyzed with fear. Don't let what Williams said make you doubt yourself, Shepard. Even for a moment. If I didn't think what you were doing was for the greater good, I wouldn't be here. If Williams wants to be a coward and focus on Cerberus, let her. She wouldn't have been any help to us."

It was a few more minutes before those sobs and ragged gasps relaxed and abated, leaving her emotionally empty, cheeks wet, eyes sore, but feeling much, much better. She didn't pull away from him either. "Was it that obvious I wanted someone to help me?" She asked in a small voice.

"You have a tendency to shut yourself in when you want someone to come and help you out, yes. Working with you as long as I have, I guess I've picked up on these subtle human cues." He said, and she could practically hear the smirk in his voice. That made her smile, even if only a little.

"Thank you Garrus. I…" She slowly leaned back, standing up straight as she wiped her eyes. He removed his arms from around her, and she did the same. She slowly wiped her eyes, sniffing. "I appreciate you coming to see me." She looked at his clothes, and blushed. "Oh hell, I've made a mess of your civvies," She said, chuckling. Indeed, there was a damp spot where her tears had fallen and been absorbed by his uniform.

"Don't worry about it. It's not like you spilled food or coffee or blood on me. It'll come out. And Shepard, think nothing of it. You're my friend, and I'm your friend. I think the fact that we've worked together and saved the galaxy earns us the right to cry on each other's shoulders every once in a while."

She couldn't help but give a bemused smile. "You? Cry? Garrus, is that even possible?" She said, wiping her eyes a bit.

"It is. Just because you've never seen me do it doesn't mean I can't, after all." He said, and stood up a bit straighter, a small smile on his mouth as well. "Are you going to be okay, Shepard? Not going to rip a bulkhead out or turn your room into a warzone if I leave?"

"I think I'll be okay for now Garrus. Thank you." She said. "And thank you for bringing me my lunch too. That was very kind of you."

"Think nothing of it. Though…you might want to be careful picking up that picture you tossed. I wouldn't want you to cut yourself and bleed out once I leave the room."

She laughed a touch at that, a tired laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. "Don't worry; I'm neither stupid nor suicidal."

"Good. Alright then, I'll be seeing you. I've got to go calibrate the forward battery."

"Again?"

"The engineers and I are having a little war down there. They keep messing with the settings and I have to keep putting them back the way they were. It's a war of attrition."

"I see, well, I'll let you go then. And…again, thank you, Garrus. A lot."

"Anytime, Shepard." He left, raising a hand in farewell as the door opened and then closed after him. Once again, she was alone. She slowly sank down into the chair at her desk. She could still feel a lingering sensation of arms around her, holding her. At first, she was surprised. She hadn't known him to be prone to such acts. If anything, he was always quite stoic and forthright about everything, at least back on the old Normandy. Had being on his own for 2 years - had becoming Archangel honestly changed him that much? She wasn't sure…but she couldn't say she didn't like the 'new' Garrus.

The 'old' Garrus was very much the cowboy cop, hot-headed, hot-blooded, and eager to prove himself. But for all his talk of hating rules and regulations, he was quite strict with himself. He always called her Commander, and only after the Battle of the Citadel did she just manage to get him to use 'Shepard' instead of her rank, though occasionally he would slip back. She saw the tray containing her lunch, and smiled. She wondered how many other times it had been him bringing up her lunch while she was out making status reports, checking their equipment, and seeing how the crew was doing. Back on the old Normandy, it had been Kaidan who…She stopped that line of thought. She had to. Kaidan was dead after all, and as Garrus had said, she couldn't blame herself for that. Being in command meant you had to make hard choices, some of which included if someone lived, or if they died.

She was glad it had been him who had come to see her, rather than Miranda or Jacob. Especially Jacob. That made her frown a bit. Jacob wasn't a bad person. He was actually quite nice and amicable. But that was precisely the problem too. He reminded her far too much of Kaidan, and she would even venture so far as to call Jacob Kaidan's "spiritual successor", if she believed in such things. She had the idea that Jacob was interested in her too. Not that she wasn't flattered but…once again the image of Garrus hugging her came back to her, and she smiled. Then, it hit her.

Garrus? Really? She felt the smile fall from her face as she considered that line of thought. She liked Garrus that much was true. He had always been by her side, through thick and thin. She would never deny that they were friends either. But…Well, admittedly, she'd never thought of him as anything more than a friend because at the time her interest was in Kaidan. Except that he was dead now. At first, she'd been drawn to Jacob, because of their similarities. But to use Jacob as a substitute for Kaidan was not a kind or healthy thing, to either herself, or Jacob. But _Garrus_? He was a turian after all. She stopped herself again. No, that was a ridiculous justification. Him being a turian was no reason for her to not like him.

She considered this. "Is this even normal?" She said out loud. "I mean sure, he's my friend. My best comrade. He was with me through everything. Cerberus, the Rachni, the Thorian…but that doesn't make us…" She laughed nervously. "Come on, Emily, you're being ridiculous. You're looking for any reason to find a replacement for Kaidan, aren't you? Of course you are." She stopped and pondered. "But it _has_ been two years. Sure, you don't remember it as two years, but it's been that long." She said with a sigh, slowly leaning back in her chair. "And two years is a long time to hold onto a dead man, Emily." She slowly raised a hand up to her face, and closed her eyes. Behind her eyelids, she saw the last vision of Kaidan she could remember…

***

_Kaidan helped set the nuke down in the ankle high water. Emily absently wished that she'd come to Virmire under different circumstances, because it was such a lovely place. Would've been good for a vacation spot. Maybe in a few decades…oh well. "Bomb is in position; we're all set here Commander." Kaidan said, holding his hand to his ear._

"_Commander can you read me?!" Ashley's voice came in through the radio. She sounded like she was desperate._

"_The nuke is almost ready Ash; get to the rendezvous point, on the double!" She answered back. This was it._

"_Negative, Commander! The geth have us pinned down over at the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties…we'll never make it back to the rendezvous point in time!"_

"_Joker! Get the Normandy into the air and ready for pickup!" Emily put her hand to her ear as well. No way in hell was she about to leave Ashley behind._

"_Negative! Just make sure that nuke is set! We'll hold them as long as we-" The radio cut out. Kaidan must've seen the stricken look on her face, because he reached out and took her shoulder._

"_It's okay Commander, I need a couple of minutes to set up the bomb. Go get them, and meet me back here!"_

_She felt relief. Thank goodness. "Whatever you do Kaidan, keep that nuke safe. We're bringing everyone out of this alive." She said, setting her hand over his own, squeezing it. He gave her a smile, and a nod. Over her shoulder, "Garrus! Wrex! You're with me; we're going to go extract Williams!"_

"_You got it Commander!"_

"_Finally, more things to kill!"_

_With a grin, she pulled the pistol from her side, and the three of them headed out. There was minimal resistance, likely because the majority of the forces were spent holding back Ashley. Figures. Chief was always good at giving people hell. As she approached the elevator that would take them down to Ashley's position, she heard the roar of engines. She turned to look, it couldn't be the Normandy, they were still evading the tower…The shape of the dropship used by the geth was unmistakable. "Damn, the geth are sending in reinforcements." Wrex growled._

"_Heads up LT! Dropship headed to your position!" Oh no. This was bad._

"_It's already here, there's geth pouring all over the bomb site!"_

"_Can you hold them off?" Emily asked as she walked towards the railing._

"_There's too many, I don't think we can survive until you get here. I'm activating the bomb."_

"_What?! What the hell are you doing Alenko, belay that! Don't turn it on yet!" Emily paced back and forth._

"_I have to make sure this bomb goes off, no matter what!" There was a pause, but before Emily could try to countermand him…"It's done Commander, now go get Williams and get the hell out of here!"_

"_Screw that, we can handle ourselves, go back and get Alenko!" Ashley screamed into the radio over the sound of geth gunfire._

_No. This wasn't happening. Her hands clenched at the railing. There wasn't enough time now. With the bomb set to go off, she only had time to go and save one person. "Alright, we'll split up and-"_

"_It won't work Shepard." Wrex cut her off instantly. "The Normandy only has time to make one pass. Whoever they pick up, some will get left behind."_

"_No. No no no no no!" She slammed her fist into the railing. "I'm not leaving anyone here! No one on my squad dies on my watch! There has to be a way!"_

"_I'm sorry Commander." Kaidan said to her. "But the mission comes before anything else, go and save Williams. Please!" Ashley was quick to counter, however._

"_Don't you dare come and get me! That bomb is more important than me! If the geth somehow disable it, then this whole mission will be for nothing!" Kaidan had a second counter ready._

"_And if those AA guns aren't disabled there's the chance the Normandy will get shot down or worse!" No. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not on her watch, not on her mission. So far the entire thing had been running smoothly, too smoothly really. But she had tried not to be too pessimistic. That was Ashley's area of expertise. But who should she save?! Kaidan…the bomb was important…as was Kaidan. But she couldn't allow her feelings to compromise the status of the mission! But she wanted a chance to tell him, to let him know how she felt._

_But Ashley deserved to live just as much, if only to clear her family name of that horrible and ugly stigma the Alliance had branded her with. To let her die in a place like this…"This can't be happening…" She whispered. "There has to be a way…some third option, some kind of alternative." She felt her throat beginning to ache. "Think! C'mon Emily…think think think think THINK!" She shouted. "Dammnit, there has to be a way out of this!"_

"_Commander!" It was Garrus. "There isn't any time, you have to pick!"_

"_NO!" She whirled on him, practically screaming into his face. "I won't pick which one of them gets to die!" He was suddenly in her face, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her._

"_Then we ALL die, Commander!" He was right. That single sentence snapped her back to reality. She didn't have a choice. There wasn't an alternative, or a third option. She had to pick._

_She slowly pulled herself from Garrus's grip, and turned her back to them, leaning against the railing. She closed her eyes slowly, her fingers digging into the railing. There wasn't any time left. "…Ashley, we're coming to get you. Radio Joker, and tell him to meet us at the AA towers."_

"…_Yes Commander." Emily could hear the reluctance in Williams' voice, but she knew the Chief was in no position to object._

"_You're making the right choice Commander. I…I don't have any regrets." Alenko's voice made her heart want to shred itself to pieces._

"_Kaidan." Emily managed to get out as she started towards the elevator._

"_Yes Commander?"_

"_Tell Ashley's father when you see him…tell him his daughter is doing us all proud."_

"…_Will do Commander."_

***

Emily slowly reopened her eyes, staring out at her palm, and the wall beyond, between her fingers. She could feel tears staining her cheeks again. She didn't sob this time though. She slowly took a deep breath, and then let it long in a long, slow exhale. She hated remembering that time. She looked over to the corner of the room, where the picture frame lay face down in a small pile of its own broken glass. She pushed herself away from her desk, and slowly plodded over, kneeling down to gingerly pick up the picture, turning it over. The glass was broken in several places, but the picture remained totally intact. She'd have to remember to have the glass swept up. If she cut her hand, the crew would never forgive her. Especially Garrus.

She was drifting back to him again. She stood up, holding the frame as she walked back over to her desk, and sat down, setting the frame next to her lunch. A few pieces of glass held onto the frame, creating a rather distorted image. She started at it for a few long moments, and then slowly hung her head into her hands.

"I'm so weak."


End file.
